Do we suggest that wilful termination of pregnancies are automatically less painful and less challenging than any other baby loss? Are we guilty of excluding women who have abortions from the right to grieve and mourn? Do we jump to conclusions about the stereotypes of women who choose to terminate their own pregnancy?
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Since 2003, the Wave of Light service in the UK has commemorated and campaigned for awareness surrounding baby loss. The hashtag #WaveOfLight has trended nationwide and charities such as Baby Loss Awareness and Sands, the leading baby loss awareness organisation, have provided support to bereaved families and encouraged conversations to prevent the loss of babies in the UK.
The organisations host a multitude of events and vigils in align with the campaigns, including candle lightings, church services, support groups, funeral support and the production of ribbons and badges.
Given that The National Child Mortality Database (NCMD) estimates that the child death rate went up from 29.3 to 31.8 per 100,000 children in 2023, organisations such as Sands provide invaluable support to bereaved families.
However, what has become apparent is that another form of baby loss exists and is more often than not, excluded from the baby loss narrative. That being, abortion. According to BPAS, 1 in 3 women have an abortion at some point in their life, yet their losses are seldom discussed and rarely admitted.
Do we suggest that willful termination of pregnancies are automatically less painful and less challenging than any other baby loss? Are we guilty of excluding women who have had abortions from the right to grieve and mourn? Do we jump to conclusions about the stereotypes of women who choose to terminate their own pregnancy?
I spoke to two women who have terminated their own pregnancies:
Nancy*, a 29 year old woman from London told me:
“Having a child was not the right choice for me. Having an abortion was the right choice. But even if it’s the right choice, it doesn’t mean I was happy about making it”
Jemma*, a 23 year old from London agreed:
“I did what was best for me in my circumstance, but it was absolutely heart breaking”
The women were both asked about the reasons for their choice to terminate their pregnancy and the process both before and after.
“I terminated my pregnancy cos I wanted a career and I’m too young to be a mum.”, Jemma said.
Nancy said “I still feel too young to have kids”, and added that she had considered adoption, but felt the pregnancy would have presented too many challenges.
Both Jemma and Nancy spoke highly of the clinics where they carried out the terminations of their pregnancies, BPAS and NUPAS respectively. However, neither of them had considered reaching out to baby loss awareness charities, because of the guilt and shame they had been subjected to.
Nancy explained ‘I felt like it was my fault. I feel like I can’t be upset because I did it to myself’
Jemma added, ‘I feel guilty because I know loads of woman who have prayed for a baby and I got rid of mine, but I still think about that baby every day’.
There was also a sense of loneliness in their grieving and the pressure of outside judgement. Nancy noted that her boyfriend was exempt from the ‘unkindness’ and ‘judgement’.
“I think loss is loss, whether its abortion or not. I feel like I can’t wear the baby loss awareness badge, but I still am mourning in a way”
Jemma also added that “people think abortions are for careless or promiscuous women. There are lots of reasons for abortions; I wish people understood that”.
The women were also asked if they would like to be included in the baby loss awareness rhetoric.
Jemma said, “I’ve seen people speaking about baby loss awareness loads actually, like on social media and TikTok. It never mentions anything about abortions though and there aren’t any proper support groups or things”
Nancy said, “I feel like other grieving mums would not understand why I terminated my pregnancy. If we spoke about it more, there might be more compassion and understanding for people like me”
When asked on the help they would like to receive, Nancy said “It would be nice to have a group of women who have been through similar things” and Jemma said, “Support groups, mentors, or even like a help booklet with how to grieve in a healthy way”.
I reached out to Baby Loss Awareness and Sands to ask what resources they provide for women grieving after terminations and to find out if they include women who have had abortions in their missions. However, I received no response.
Regardless of why women choose to have abortions, or of their circumstances prior to getting pregnant, it is clear that there is a divide amongst women grieving the loss of a baby.
The loss suffered during an abortion is equally as traumatic and upsetting as any other baby loss, however, it is not always treated as such.
*Names have been changed to protect the anonymity of the women